LIGHT- Day 11

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3 days to go. Final Covid test day.

O.k. I’m over this now. I am ready to LEAVE!!

I woke up at 7:30am to a “knock knock, room service!”

‘They are early today’, I thought before rolling out of bed and sleepily shuffling my feet over to open the door. I collected my brown paper bag with breakfast inside. Garlic field mushrooms on ciabatta toast. My Saturday morning meal. Yummy. I love mushrooms.

I open the blinds to see what the outside world looks like. More sunshine and blue sky today.

It’s Saturday so instead of instantly sitting at my laptop to work I decided that I would drink my coffee and lay in bed and read.

I could still see the view outside my window – the cars driving past, the autumn leaves, the kiwi style bungalows on the hill in Remuera, the one palm tree and my friend, the tree. The angle has slightly changed so now I see that there is another tree, next to my friend. I’m pretty sure these are acorn trees. This other tree is free of Ivy around his trunk,  unlike my friend and also has no leaves. Just large bare branches.

I opened my book.

In the opening of “Becoming”  Michelle Obama talks about how strange she felt as a young girl being asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?’ As if growing up is so finite. And then she lists everything she has ‘been’ up until this point and who she is becoming.

Here in inbetween, Inbetween worlds and in between life, well almost, but not quite. Not there yet Amy! I think about everything I have ‘been’ up until now.  I mean, I know I am no Michelle, and have not ‘been’ anything nearly on the same scale. She has ‘been’ incredible things. But me, Amy Louise Waller.  What have I ‘been’? Hmmmm. I have been an affectionate daughter, a loving and cheeky middle sister, an adoring auntie, a daughter drowning in grief after losing her father,  a hardworking and eager to please student, an admiring grand daughter, a dancer, a choreographer, a theatre maker, an agent, a mermaid, (figuratively because I love the sea, but also, I literally was a mermaid with a giant tail for a children’s show at the Sydney Aquarium. Lol ). What else? I have been stuck – paralyzed by fear and endless rejection,  a nanny, a broken hearted ex-girlfriend, a voyager, alone traveling the world, a waitress, a friend, an actress – empowered on the stage, a date, a bartender, an actress living my dream on hollywood sets, a writer, a producer, an event coordinator, a lover, a loving partner, a creator, a swimmer, a self-isolator, and now I guess I have been a blogger (which I never thought I would ever do).

What will I become next? I’m sure that a lot of those will stay but what else will be added to the pot or plot, after this little hiatus. This little pause and time of reflection.

The phone rings loudly!

I jump out of my bed.

‘Hi Amy! It’s Lucy from the Ministry of Health. Are you ok to come down and get your Day 11 test? Just remember to bring the paperwork filled out and your passport.”

“Yes! I said “I’ll be there in ten minutes”.

For some reason I said these words in an American accent so she could understand me.

I forgot for a second where I was.

I quickly filled out the paperwork that a young, green member of the Navy had given me the night before. He knocked on my door during my harmonica practice  and very nervously handed me the paperwork. Maybe he thought I was a famous musician. Bahaha!

I walked out into the foyer. A security guard was near the restaurant. There were also two police officers. 

The security said “testing?”. I said yes and he led me to the outdoor area which is usually closed off. 

Outside were a lot of the guests that I recognized from my flight. The attractive couple in black with their two blonde 8 or 9 year-old sons. The attractive woman was wearing pretty eye makeup and nice gold earrings that dangled, framing her black mask. She looks nice, I thought. Inspired to maybe go and put some makeup on myself today.  The family with the two toddlers were also there, and the two parents with the blonde little girl who lost the frisbee. They had just finished getting their tests and were spending time in this restricted outdoor area, before being asked to leave. 

I walked through them, keeping my distance and waited.

No one from my flight had tested positive on Day 3. In fact, no one had tested positive in this hotel for about 4 weeks but I still knew it was important to be careful.

I waited in line until my name was called. 

Nurse Jackie was very nice. She took my passport and sat me down and asked me to pull my mask down below my nose. 

There was a man next to me who was videoing himself getting the swab put up his nose. Eww. I wouldn’t like to click on that IG story. 

The second time was still strange and uncomfortable but easier then the first. I laughed and screamed lightly at the same time. 

‘All done’ Nurse Jackie said sprightly. 

‘Thank you’, I said excitedly, knowing that that will be my last test here in isolation.

I went back inside and did some exercise in my room. I’ve been following an app on my phone called Sweat which has a lot of good ‘At Home’ workouts. 

“Testing testing 123, testing testing 123, testing testing 123!”, echoed loudly over the speaker in my room. “Yup, it’s working” I said to the speaker. 

“We are expecting a new plane arriving from 4:30pm – 6:40pm. You will not be able to leave your room until the check out is done. I repeat we are expecting a new arrival of guests today at 4:30 – 6:30pm so we require that everyone stays in their rooms during this time. Thank you everyone for your cooperation. We will do another announcement when it’s safe to leave your rooms. Stay safe everyone and enjoy your afternoon.” 

I looked at my phone and saw the time was 3:45pm. I decided to get another coffee and go outside again while I still could. 

Outside the air was crisp and the sun was shining through the clouds tiredly beginning it’s journey down. There was the smell of fresh grass and wood burning from someones fire place in the distance. It felt cozy. 

I saw a lot of new faces. Well half of their faces. Lots of new people who I hadn’t seen before. They must have just arrived. More Kiwis from all parts of the world. Coming home.

There were also the regulars.

The attractive family with the woman who had the nice earrings were playing with a drone thingy. For a second I thought it was someone from the media trying to get an inside shot of us ‘inmates’ for Newshub. 

I walked around in circles and took everyone in. 

A man wearing an orange jacket and a blue mask was talking to a family member through the fence. Three guests stood on the yellow crosses smoking 2m apart. The mother and daughter power walking/talking duo were marching intently around the grounds. The UFC fighters. The three of them were training in the parking lot. I think one of the guys recently fought in Vegas. They were shuffling around in circles, firing jabs at each other. 

I kept walking. 

There was a woman doing shuttle runs. Back and forth, back and forth, Two kids sitting two metres apart drinking hot chocolates awkwardly under their masks and a father and son sitting on the ledge near my window playing chess.

I watched everyone, smiling at them under my mask. How beautiful is this? Everyone is creative, present, spending time with each other and making the best of the situation. This is love. This is light. 

This is hope. 

A feeling I haven’t felt for a while. 

This is important to hang onto I thought through these scary times. This is what will get the world through this. Human connection. Love. Relationships. People. Creativity. People are the most important thing. And this country takes such good care of its people.

I suddenly felt lighter.

I sat down on the ledge in front of my friend the tree. The sun peeped through the clouds and I felt it shine warmly on my cheek. 

I closed my eyes and soaked it in. 

I pulled my mask down. 

Deep breath. 

I pulled my mask back up. 

Later that evening, inspired by the attractive woman with her makeup on and pretty earrings, I decided to shower and dress myself as if I was going out. Just a normal Saturday night. 

I washed and blow dried my hair, put on jeans, heeled boots, a nice top and my favorite jacket. 

I put on makeup for the first time in 2 weeks or probably more like a month. 

It felt good. Motivated and ready for a great night! 

I put on my favorite hat and texted Brett asking him out for a date night zoom dinner. “Sure!”, he said. 

I poured a glass of wine and put on some music. I decided to branch out and sit in a new spot in my room. This tiny, mini, little cushioned bench thing which connects the bed to the desk.  Not my regular favorite table in restaurant 0058, sitting opposite the tree, but it is a nice change. 

I set up my laptop and clicked on the link Brett sent me.

There was a knock at the door and I told him that our dinner had arrived. Well mine. Brett had actually already eaten because he was five hours ahead. Well actually 19 hours behind. I am in the future. He is in the past. It was late, last Friday night where he was.

Anyway tonight I had ordered a lovely roast chicken dinner, with steamed broccoli and roasted pumpkin. 

With a kiwi classic, pavlova for dessert! Yum! 

We chatted while I ate and then I told him I had planned a special treat. A  little concert starring me and my harmonica. 

I played him the songs I had learned. Well the one song I had learned. “The Piano Man” a few times over. And he laughed and clapped and praised me. 

We eventually said goodbye and I decided to put on some music and dance around my room. For a second I  pretended that I was in a bar on Ponsonby Road, or at a saturday night party with friends. Weird to think that soon I will be able to do stuff like that again. With real life people around me, talking, laughing, dancing, hugging, enjoying life, letting loose. Safely, with no risk of catching or spreading the virus. No anxiety.

I looked at the sun setting behind the tree in my window. “Cheers”, I said to my friend. 

Another day gone. Tomorrow I will only have 2 more nights left! 

Dance party song of the day:  “The Piano Man” Billy Joel.

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IN BETWEEN – Day 3

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Safe and sound in managed isolation in Auckland, New Zealand. Processing the last few months, keeping productive, yearning to get out to hug my friends and family who I haven’t seen in so long. The thought of even hugging! Bliss! Quite strange sitting here and looking out my window into a neighborhood that I remember so well. I’m so close to Mt Albert, the suburb where I grew up. To New Market where I spent so much time socialising as a teenage girl. The Lido cinema where I have had screenings for short films and gone with Mum and Nana to see so many wonderful movies. I spend a lot of my time, looking above my laptop out of this window, watching New Zealanders bounce past, on their way to school, work, their relaxed, mask free faces, happy, free, all re- adjusting back to living their lives in their country that is in such good hands. We have it so so good here. It’s very different to the tense foreheads and fearful flickering eyes in LA nervously circling 6ft around each other. Or not – depending on how serious they are taking the situation or their level of fear. The lack of example from the top filtering down, causing uncertainty, confusion, denial.  
 
I’m going to be honest. When the plane took off at LAX I cried. Wept. Giant tears that soaked into my N95 mask. Tears of relief. Grief. Relieved that soon I will feel safe in my beautiful homeland that I love so much, not lying awake at night riddled with fear and anxiety. But sad to be leaving my love, my apartment, my life, my friends. All doing their best to carry on but in pain. Scared. Confused. Angry. My American friends who are all grieving for their country that is in such a state of chaos and crises. Out of control. America’s pores wide open – this pandemic revealing its pus underneath, it’s deep set racism and systemic flaws. All enraged at their supposed leader doing nothing, saying nothing, no words of comfort or guidance but instead creating hate and division, sulking, fumbling his stubby fingers on twitter. A woman in the row next to me looked at me and nodded. Understanding my tears. I’m sure she mouthed “I get it” underneath her mask.
 
Deep Breath.
 
Ok.
 
The plane ride was comfortable. Air NZ’s, jolly, witty staff doing their best to make sure we feel relaxed and have as much space between us. I was lucky enough to have a whole row to myself. I drunk some New Zealand wine and watched a beautiful film called Waves which I had remembered from being on the same festival circuit as The Wretched. Highly recommend watching it.
 
Arriving through customs was interesting. The airport was deserted and set up very differently. I remembered a year and half ago when crowds were eagerly waiting for their loved ones to arrive home. I thought of the last time I was here at Christmas in 2018, my mum greeting me, waving and yelling, ‘Amy! Amy!’ And then squeezing me so so tight. The smell of her Samsara perfume, her warm embrace, so happy to have her middle child home from LA for the summer. Another tear falls into my mask. Shit get it together Amy otherwise they might think you have symptoms! I walked through a health check where a friendly woman greeted me with a nice “Kia Ora, Welcome home” then took my temperature, asked me a series of questions about whether or not I have symptoms and if I have interacted with anyone who has tested positive for Covid. I showed her an email with my negative test result that I had taken before I left which she seemed to appreciate. Then she gave me my bus ticket and explained that I would be going into Managed Isolation for two weeks and a booklet about what to expect. There were two more stops before getting on the bus. At the final stop a man with a spreadsheet with all of my information told me that I would be going to the Novotel in Ellerslie. I then walked straight outside and on to the bus. I sat down impressed at how thorough and efficient that all was. Wow! Instantly feel like I am in good hands. Its quite incredible and clear the difference. Good leadership really does matter. I also felt relieved to hear that I will be staying in Auckland. I had heard of some buses going to Rotorua due to all of the hotels being full. Kiwis all coming home where it’s safe. I understand why.
 
I arrived at the hotel at about 6am. A nice man, a representative from the Ministry of the Heath came onto the bus and gave us a briefing, improvising his own little bits of kiwi humor so show us his personality and make us feel at ease. So much clear communication. I can’t actually believe it. He called the two families with children to exit the bus first, then couples , then singles, to avoid crowds in the foyer while checking in. I got off the bus and felt the fresh New Zealand air on my forehead. I wanted so bad to take my mask off and breath it in. We then waited in line, 6ft from each other and moved through a series of screened windows, checking in, filling out forms etc. I was handed a menu for the week, a NZ SIM card, washing (laundry) vouchers and a welcome to isolation booklet. I was also told I can order groceries from Countdown and take aways (to go’s) from uber eats if I like. I had one more health check with a nurse then was handed my key and directed to my room.
 
As soon as I arrived at my room I threw my mask onto the bed. It has been almost 15 hours of wearing it straight. The room was small, but tidy and comfortable. I like the grey feature wall and the orange curtains and cushions that matched the Autumn leaves on the ground outside. I unpacked and started setting up my space for the next two weeks. I went to plug in my phone to charge only to remember and realize that I needed a phone adapter. Shit how could I forget that! My laptop was also dead. Whoops. I spoke to the nice man from the bus who said I could have one bought to me but he had to write down exactly what it was on another spreadsheet at reception I quickly called mum to save the day. She said she would come by at 2pm. Ok only 5 more hours. I had only been in the room 30 minutes or so when I heard a knock on the door. I looked out side and there was a brown paper bag with breakfast inside. Scrambled eggs, hash brown, pastries, fruit and yogurt. 15 minutes later there was another knock. A nurse taking my temperature again.
 
I texted Brett to let him know I was home safe, showered and then lay down. Jet lag kicking in. I stared at the ceiling thinking about what just happened. This incredible time. This incredible situation. This incredible country and its incredible prime minister. I fucking love you Jacinda Arden. I felt lucky and proud to be Kiwi. I took a deep relaxed breath. The blood that I felt rushing through my veins most nights had stopped. I fell into a deep slumber.
 
I woke up to a loud voice coming over the speaker in my room ! A voice from god saying we were allowed to walk around the premises outside. Oh ok. Thank you! Perfect timing. Mum would be here soon.
 
I got dressed, put my mask on and ran outside.
 
Fresh NZ air again! This time I was able to run 100m away in the parking lot, away from everyone and take my mask off for a split second to feel the clean air on my lips. I took four deep breaths then put my mask back on and started to jog around in circles while I waited for mum. I eagerly looked at the cars arriving at the gate. A nice young man named Marvin, eager for human interaction, introduced himself from a distance. He wore a large beautiful whale bone carving around his neck. He asked me if I had just arrived and then told me this was his Day 5. Strangers walked past on the other side of the fence, mask free, eagerly looking in as if we were these weird creatures at a zoo. Looking but not wanting to make eye contact incase we zapped them with our disease.
 
Mum arrived!!! I jumped up and down and waved aggressively. There was some confusion at the gate about how exactly she drops things off. I had to go wait in the foyer and security bought me the phone adapter, yoga matt and dumbbells. Thanks mum !
 
A nice lady from the hotel told me that mum had parked on the other side of the fence and she could wave to me from a distance.
 
I ran outside and saw her waiting there for me.
 
We waved and air hugged and cried. Again. Lol. So many mixed emotions. I’ve always been the super affectionate one so not being able to physically squeeze mum was rough. I also cry when i’m tired. And also when I’m not I guess.
 
I told her everything that happened and we dreamed about all the fun things we can do when I’m out! Dinner at a restaurant ! Waiheke Island! Hot pools! Soccer games! Birthday parties! Concerts! Whhhaaattttt! All things I will never take for granted ever again.
 
We said our goodbyes and she told me she would be back soon to visit. I went back inside to charge my devices then answered all of the curious messages from my Kiwi friends in LA and actually friends from all around the world all thinking about coming home too.
 
It’s been three days now. It’s actually going by pretty fast. I’m so grateful for all of my friends here in NZ and in America calling me, reaching out all giving me support. I love you all so so much. Big shout out to Catriona who sent me a care package of Batchwell Kombucha! That made my day love! You’re truly wonderful. So far I spend my days writing, thinking, reading, doing yoga, jogging around in small circles outside, having private discos in my room to stay sane, FaceTiming friends, watching the glorious tree change with the light behind outside. My boyfriend Brett would love this tree. Perfect for horror movies. Then ending the day with a nice glass of nz wine at night. It kind of feels a little like what I imagine rehab is like without the group therapy classes. Or like a healing retreat allowing us to rest and prepare to go back into civilization. I’m so incredibly grateful.
 
My big sister is coming today. I’m excited to wave to her from a distance. I may even put on Jeans.
 
Private dance party song of the day: Rise up
 
Amy xox