My Memoirs from Managed Isolation

8am: Eyes snapped open wide, instantly awake. I blinked hard twice then sprung straight up as if I was Macaulay Culkin realising I had made my family disappear.

This is my last full day and night here!

Tomorrow Mum will be coming to collect me and I will get to see my family in beautiful, currently Covid free New Zealand!

I will get to hug Mum and my big sister and nieces. I will be free to walk around the streets again fear free, mask free.

I wrestled the blankets off me with legs and my feet then jumped out of my bed with an instant spring in my step. I felt like I was eleven years-old again waking up on the eve of Christmas.

I opened the blinds! There was blue sky and the sun was shining bright with, I swear, a happy face printed on it! I’m so excited I can barely contain myself.

My friend is standing there quietly.  I can tell he is sad that tomorrow I will be leaving him. “Thank you for your loyalty tree”, I said. “I’m sorry I must leave you.”

His leaves wave to me in the wind.

New faces, new half faces, are walking back and forth, back and forth past the window. They arrived last night from the UK. ‘It goes fast guys’, I thought to them.

9.00am ‘knock, knock!’ The nurses are here already! I slept in. “Any symptoms Amy?” No, I’m all good! She took my temperature, 36.6, and gave me a fresh mask for the day.

I called the restaurant to order my coffee and quickly went to collect it. I had quite a lot of work to get done today. I wanted to finish everything so I could have all week to be free with my family.

I had three scripts to read, a few pages to write and one scene to work on, acting wise. I also had some boring tax stuff that I needed to finish. I also needed to start packing!

I tried to sit still and read these pages but I couldn’t concentrate. I could barely contain myself.

I put my earbuds in and grabbed my skipping rope and ran outside.

“Hi Amy!”, Emma from The Navy said. “You must be on your way out now?” She said as I was on my way outside. Brandon was also there next to her signing people in and out.

“ Yes,” I said ecstatic. “Tomorrow!”

Beaming under my mask, I ran outside and began to do sets of 30 second skipping cycles to burn all of this crazy energy.

There was a couple nearby on the grass area playing lawn bowls with giant rocks and pebbles they had collected from the garden. I watched them play as I skipped. In between cycles instead of resting I had to dance. I had too much energy.

After my workout I went back inside and looked around the chaotic mess in my room. I will start packing up tonight I thought.

The day went by quickly. I read some incredible stories from fellow writers in my group. So much talent. I write a few thoughts down that I think may potentially be helpful and then decide to go outside again before I read the next one. Before jumping into a new world, I will get some fresh air.

Outside was busy. The UFC fighters were training again, shuffling around in circles making air jabs. The mother/daughter power walking/talking duo were not walking/talking but were soaking in some sun, playing a board came outside on the ledge by my window. There was a blonde girl with lots of cool piercings wearing pink overalls and dr martin boots holding a large yellow bag, walking around in circles talking on the phone. There were a few new smokers and a couple more newbies that I didn’t recognise. The three families from my flight were sitting on the ledge outside my room, soaking in the sun, talking from a distance. Like me, I could tell that they were buzzing. The kids were running around, climbing the small tree in the yard, laughing, playing. They too felt like it was christmas tomorrow.

The little blonde girl who lost the frisbee was there, she waved to me. ‘Hi’, she said happily.

I waved back and said ‘Hi’ under my mask.

We had all received our negative test results the day before.  They let us know via text message. But if we test positive they, the ministry of health, come and tell us in person and they remove us to a new facility where we would stay for approximately 28 or more days.

But everyone from my flight had tested negative on day 3 and day 11 so everyone was happy and smiling. I waved to them as I walked past and sat further along where I could lean against the wall.

The sun had already started to make its journey down. The light was piercing through the black bars of the fence that separated us from the outside world. Long thick black shadows beamed across the lawn and crept up onto our faces making us look even more strange and like inmates to the human’s in the outside world.

“It’s ok” I thought. “Tomorrow we will be on the other side”. I sat down and decided to practice my harmonica.

I clicked on my Spotify and typed in Billy Joel, The Piano Man. I was getting more confident so I wanted to see if I could play along the song.

I pressed play and the beautiful piano intro began…. 123, 123…

I took off my mask, held the harmonica to my lips and did my best to play along with Mr Joel. I was actually very impressed that I could keep up! This is so fun I thought. I love this new found hobby of mine.

A nice older man walked past with his mask on. He looked at me and clapped and cheered. “ Well done!”, he said. “Thanks!”

I laughed and blushed and then continued to play proudly. I was happy he enjoyed it.

I thought about my family of musicians. My great grandfather played the guitar. He was a ukulele teacher and  romantically serenaded my great grandmother Hazel who was a ballerina and toured Australia in a dance troupe.

My Uncle Barry is also a really great musician. He can play jazz on the piano and can sing. Maybe we could have a jam I thought. I remembered watching my Uncle Barry ride into his school assembly on a motorbike at Auckland Boys Grammar. He was the High School Dean there and used to perform in his band and sing Mick Jagger to his students.

My uncle Trevor is also a really good guitar player and can play the harmonica.

So it’s in the family I guess.

I learned piano from an early age so it was easy enough for me to read music which also helped. I often thought about getting back into piano lessons. I played from when I was about 8 years old to 17.  I graduated all my exams with good marks but I never really was that amazing at practical. I was distracted by my love for dance so couldn’t keep up with my practice and I was better at reading the music.

I was one of those kids determined to be good at everything. My mum drove me around from gymnastics, to dancing, to piano, to saxophone, to drama classes, to tennis, to netball, to swimming, to aerobics. I also had guitar lessons at one point.

I thought about how much of a pain that must have been and how supportive mum and dad have always been to me. How they let me try out new things to figure out what I enjoyed the most and were flexible if I changed lanes. They listened to me and let me lead the way down my own path, always watching and gently encouraging me at each turn.

I’m looking forward to showing Mum this new hobby that I can add to my list. Lol. I played for a little longer then decided that I would read.

I turned the page and read a paragraph where Michelle Obama describes a meeting that she had in her final year of highschool with her guidance counselor. Michelle had told her that she intended on going to Princeton for college and the guidance counselor had just replied with a cold ‘I don’t think you are Princeton material”. This resulted in a deep set feeling of ‘not being enough’.  She then talks about ‘failure being a feeling long before a result; and that’s exactly what her ‘adviser’ was planting.’

I put the book down and remembered my 7th form meeting with my career advisor at Avondale College.

This paragraph had struck a chord. It’s unbelievable how reading someone’s specific journey brings up so much. Universality through specificity. Miranda Harcourt always taught me that at Drama School and it’s something I’ve always thought about and remembered while writing.

Anyway, my ‘Career Advisor’ at Avondale College, a woman who had never met me before, asked me what I wanted to do for a job when I left school and where I intended to study.

I told her what I had known for a long time.

‘I’m going to be an actress and I want to go to drama school. I have planned to go to WPAC in Wellington until I am old enough to audition for Toi Whakaari, The NZ drama school.  I’ve already begun my application process’  I said surely. Not really wanting or needing her help.

This woman who had never spoken to me in my life and knew nothing about me, looked up at me and sniggered. Laughed at me. She took off her glasses and leaned in. “Amy, Toi Whakaari is a very hard school to get into and it’s extremely hard to make a living as an actress in New Zealand. Only very few make it.”

Failure long before a result. I’m not enough. Not enough.

I told her that I am going to audition anyway and I intend to move to America.

She laughed again and said ‘Ok well you can give it a go but maybe start thinking about going to AUT and training to be a dance teacher’  I was confused at why she thought that I wanted to do that and why that was going to be a more lucrative option for me.

 I looked her in the eye and I fiercely thought “I’ll show you bitch.’

This became my ongoing mantra in life. My engine. That voice in my head was my drive, my stubborn determination thinking that I had something to prove to her and also to myself. I’ll show you.

But instead I politely said, ‘ Ok. Thank you.’  I began my search for the perfect contrasting audition monologues which in the end, worked.

Now I get that being an actress is really fucking hard, and definelty not the norm in NZ and she was just probably saving me years of rejection, being broke and panic attacks but I really felt like her words planted that fertile seed of doubt in my stomach. That seed would grow and grow, some seasons it would be out of control and would strangle me and other seasons I would have to trim, groom and maintain it so it wouldn’t take over the rest of the house.  And yes she was right, it hasn’t been easy. AT ALL. But I don’t think being a dance teacher, or owning my own dance studio or any job is easy. Life isn’t easy. So I’m glad that my stubborn ass stuck to my guns as I have had the most incredible adventures and met the most incredible people and I love my life and my job, both here and in America.

I’ll show you. Hmmm. I think this voice isn’t so loud these days.

I continued to read the rest of the chapter.  Oh “I’ll show you” also became Michelle’s mantra.

Huh. 

I know  that my experience is different from Michelle’s. For one my ‘advisor’ wasn’t judging me based on the color of my skin. I understand my privilege. But my experience of feeling ‘less then’  was similar and I remember it just as clearly as she does.

I put the book down and looked out through the fence into the outside world.

Words have so much power.  The words we use shape people, they shape who we are.  That woman knew absolutely nothing about me. I had never seen her in my life. She knew nothing about my ability to act, my drive, my determination. When I really think about it, it is incredibly strange that she was going to help me decide on my future.  The funny thing is, I actually wanted to do it even more after she told me I couldn’t. So her advice had the opposite effect.

It was 5pm and the same people I saw everyday were walking that had finished work. The same nice man with grey hair and wearing a black jacket, carrying his brown leather satchel walked past the fence. He looked at me and smiled warmly again. He looks nice I thought as I smiled back underneath my mask.  Most other people walk past and either look at us angrily, or avoid eye contact. But he always looks at us with kind eyes, smiling warmly.

The sun was almost down so I decided to go back inside and begin to pack.

Today flew past.

Outside my hotel room door was a little love letter from the hotel.

Well actually it was just a formal letter explaining the exit strategy for tomorrow morning.  I will have an exit interview and one final health check. My mum will wait outside inside her car and they will call me on the hotel room phone to tell me she is here.

Oh my god. I can not wait. 

I went back inside, put some music on and started organising my room. It had become chaotic over the last three days.

I lifted my suitcase onto my bed and started folding all of my clothes that were half sprawled out all over the floor and half hung neatly in my closet.

I organised all of my books, my notebooks, my lights, my trip pod into a big bag and packed everything up.

It felt strange to be packing. Like I was moving out. I’ve almost gotten used to being here. But I’m definitely excited and ready to leave.

I purposefully hung my good pair of jeans, a nice turtle neck and winter coat  in the closet ready for my departure. I wanted to dress nice tomorrow. It was a special occasion. I was to be out in the real world again, mask free. 

I know this is going to sound cheesy but I kind of feel like this is some sort of fresh start. Like I am being reborn into the world bursting with gratitude and open to new opportunities

Dance party song of the day: Edge of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks

Ok. Only 4 more days. I can do this. 

I woke up at 7am this morning. I thought about just lying in bed for the whole day and not getting up at all. 

I really could… If I was to do it, now would be the time. Everything is being brought to me. I can literally do everything I want to do from this bed. I grabbed a pillow and put it over my face. I tried to fall back asleep.

 I couldn’t so I pushed my blankets off me and got out of bed. Self Isolation makes you feel laaaaaazzzzzyyyyyy. 

I opened the blinds. “Hi friend”, I said to the tree. 

My friend, The tree, looked beautiful today. Like a painting. Set against beautiful blue skies. A soft golden light from the early sun was reflecting off the brown leaves. The rain has stopped. I feel happy that I will be able to go outside. 

I made my instant coffee and instead of sitting at the desk to work on my computer. I decided to drink my coffee from bed and turned on the television. 

The Good Morning Show was on with New Zealand accents of course.  It’s been so long since I’ve heard my accent on the television. Especially on the news. John Cambell was interviewing a British man about his new series of children’s books. John is still here going strong. It was nice to listen to some news that wasn’t about the world falling apart. 

Unfortunately that didn’t last long. A new presenter, who I hadn’t seen before, updated us on the world news. It’s quite amazing watching the news from here. From another country’s perspective. I learned about how covid is affecting other parts of the world.  Africa, India and across the ditch in Melbourne. We don’t really hear about any news from other countries in America unless we put it on BBC world. I mean, there is so much happening there I guess, there isn’t really the time to show anything else. Arizona in America is now the epicenter of COVID 19 in the world. Over 3500 new cases per day. 

I turned off the news and sat down at my computer to work. 

Arizona is right next to California, which is also in a bad state.

Instead of working I picked up my phone and scrolled through instagram. Of course.  Don’t we all?

A post from a friend. “I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care for other people”, Dr Anthony Fauci. 

Another post. “Breona Taylor was killed 118 days ago. Her killers are still free”.

Another post.  “Cases in Texas have risen by 68%. South Carolina cases have risen by 99%. Florida has seen it’s average new daily cases increase more than tenfold since re opening”

Another post: A friend wearing a mask hiking in the mountains. 

Another post: “Majority of Seattle Council pledges to support police department defunding plan laid out by advocates” #keepgoing

Another post. News. Dr Fauci “States who have trouble controlling Covid rates should seriously look at shutting down”

Another post. National leader needs a cup of tea and a lie down. 

Lol. 

Another post: Sponsored. Caelynn Miller-Keyes from Bachelor Nation.  Proud to be partnering with Fabelictics. 

Another post. Friends in New Zealand out for dinner. 

Another post. A friend sending love out to her friends in the restaurant industry in LA. #wecansurvivethis. 

Another post. Breaking News. Prosecutors can now obtain Trump’s tax returns. 

I turned my phone over. 

Holy fucking fuck. Excuse my language but I do think they are the correct words to describe the current situation.

The World. 

Deep breath. 

I think to myself –  when I leave here I will turn off social media for a little bit. I will delete all Social Apps. 

The room was feeling a little bit stuffy so I grabbed my peppermint essential oils and dabbed it on my wrist and temples. 

9am. “Knock Knock” Te Atatu was here to take my temperature. “Hi Amy!”, she said super nicely. “How are you feeling today? Any symptoms?”

“Heya, no I’m all good thanks Te Atatu!”

We caught up and spoke a little about the news. She aimed the gun thing at my head and took my temperature. 36.5 celsius. “Thank you Amy, have a good day today”, she said.

So lovely. Everyone is so nice it makes me want to cry. 

I put on my mask, pull the room card key from the power slot thing and opened the door. 

I went to the restaurant to pick up my coffee. 

I walked out into the foyer to the restaurant and saw that there was a police officer having breakfast and he was on his phone. Hmm. Ok, so the police are also here now I guess. I look around. I can see three New Zealand cops. Gun free and friendly looking enough.  Dressed in blue. Two young male cops with a sleeve tattoo each and one woman. 

They avoided eye contact with me. 

‘Hi Grace’ I said.

“Long black?”

“Yes thank you so much.”

I paid for my coffee and, to change things up, I decided to take my coffee outside instead of going back into my office/room. It was such a lovely morning I didn’t want to miss it. 

“Morning Amy!” Said Emma from the Navy who was sitting next to Lizzie.

“Morning Emma!” I said. I’ll miss these ladies. Taking such good care of everyone.

I stepped outside into the fresh air. It was beautiful. The sun was shining but the air was still crisp and cold. I know I’m repeating myself when I say that, but the quality of NZ air is unbelievable. 

There was a mother and son who I recognized from my flight, masked up and playing in the parking lot. Another woman from my flight was wearing bright tights while power walking. Lots of new faces who must have just arrived looking a little lost and unsettled. 

Feeling at home, I walked in my slippers 100m across the parking lot to a pathway of pebbles and then sat on the ledge that is attached to the wall right next to my window. 

I put my feet up and leaned against the wall, took off my mask for a minute and breathed in the fresh air. No one was around so it was safe. I was nervous someone would drive past and take a photo of me without my mask on and it would end up on Newshub.

I took 5 deep breaths and then put my mask back on. 

The sun was shining. I closed my eyes, lifted my chin and soaked in the sun. It’s warm enough to even be out here without a  jacket. Again, the air quality is delicious. I don’t think we realise this until we leave home.

Deep breath.

A tear falls down my cheek. 

Oh America. My second home. The land that houses so many people I love. How will we get out of this mess?

I open my eyes and remind myself I am here. 

I call Brett to say good morning. He answers and I ask him if he thinks the world is about to implode. He laughs at me, used to and loving my overwhelmed episodes. “We are going to be ok. It’s terrible but we will get through this”, he says. “I just can’t wait until November 10th”.

We talk about whether or not I will still be able to vote from here and if LA will see another stay at home order. “It’s looking like it“, he tells me. 

“The good news is LA feels like it is being a lot more careful again”, he assures me. “Really?” I said.  “America was just hit with the worst thing ever with the worst president in modern history”. He says. 

“Just?”, I laughed. 

“All of the governors and mayors have all been left to fend for themselves.”

I agreed.

“The good news is his polls are terrible.”, trying to assure me and himself. Brett always stays so positive. Yes, he can get worked up and fiery, but his natural state is very warm and calm. It’s what I love most about him. 

We say our goodbyes and then I go back inside. On my way, I decided that I will get one more coffee.

At the restaurant an American woman who was on my flight said hi. I could tell she was eager for conversation and human connection. Tobi her name was. Tobi is a New Zealand resident but recently had to fly back to LA to see her Dad who was in the hospice. 

“I’m really sorry” I said. Understanding what that feels like. 

She went back to see him one last time and then had to quickly come back before all the flights stopped.  We spoke about the feeling in LA before we left and agreed on the tension. Her son was in college in LA and is still there.  She was offered a job here in NZ and accepted it with out thinking twice. 

We spoke a little longer from a distance before we said goodbye. 

I went inside and drank my coffee and read my book. 

12pm – “Knock Knock” 

Lunch. Today was a vegetable frittata

I put it aside for later and rolled out my yoga mat which fits perfectly in my entranceway. I was feeling squished so I decided to stretch it out and do hot power fusion ondemand yoga class.

I turned up the heating in my room. 

The phone rang!

“Room service. Do you need anything today Amy?”  

“Some dishing washing liquid and laundry powder please”

Later that evening my mum texted me to tell me that she’s on her way to Uncle Barrys in Mt Eden and that she can see a giant Rainbow over the hotel. 

I ran outside to see the rainbow. I walked all the way around the parking lot trying to see the rainbow but alas I could not find it. 

I walked towards the little grass area outside my window and saw two of the families from my flight. Two if the children were playing frisbee. That looks fun, I thought wanting to join in. I kept walking and decided to sit near my friend, the tree. 

Just as I sat down, by accident, the frisbee went flying over the fence and into the forbidden outside world!  “Oh no!” the little girl cried. Game over.

I suggested asking one of the security guards to go and collect it for us. I mean for them. Lol. They had not asked me to play in their game but I felt invested.

One of the brothers ran over to the fence to have a look. His father quickly raced after him to make sure he wasn’t about to climb the fence to get it. 

A nice woman with her daughter walked past on the other side of the fence. The little blonde girl, who threw the frisbee asked them nicely if they could please pass it through. “oh, you guys are in isolation ?” the woman said. “Yes” The little blonde girl exclaimed. “But we are getting out very soon! “

We are.

The nice woman found a stick and scrapped it through under the fence to avoid picking it up with her hands. “Thank you!” The little blonde girl jumped up and down. 

Phew. I thought. Happy that they got their frisbee back. I had seen them playing with that one toy for days now. 

I went back inside and looked at my room. Should I sit on the bed? Or the Chair?

The bed. I lay down and dreamt about walking down the street. Looking in cafes and shops. Not scared. I dreamt about hugging my mum and my sisters.

I noticed how relaxed my body felt. My mind was calm. My breathing deep.

I don’t think I truly realized how stressed my body felt in LA until I arrived here.

I fell asleep.

Dance party song of the day: Signs. Drake.

I’m sorry that I skipped a day yesterday. I was a  little flat and to be honest it’s all starting to feel normal, living here. I am in a regular routine so I didn’t have too much to say. 

At the beginning, I was just kind of writing these pages to myself. To get it all out of my head and to maybe look back on one day. But I’m so glad I decided to share this journey. It’s just been quite incredible.  So many people have opened up to me in response.  I think it’s important right now. People are craving a deeper level of connection. It’s like I have gone back in time. I think writing letters in the mail will make a comeback. I hope so. 

Oh there was something exciting that did happen yesterday. I received an email from Alec McLean, the assistant of Jacinda Arden responding to my Day 1 memoir. Alec thanked me for my email and said that he knows Jacinda Arden will enjoy reading it so he has forwarded it on to her. I can’t believe it ! A reply just one day later. I wasn’t expecting that at all. 

I was up at 5:30am this morning. Back in my early start society!

I had my Margie Haber ongoing zoom class which is normally 10am Wednesday in LA but here it is 5am on a Thursday so I was up early for that. I was running a bit late but I was happy I made it and so excited to see everyone. Still half asleep and in my Pajamas,

I flipped open my laptop and clicked on the link. Margie and the class all cheer and clapped, happy that I had made it. I sleepily smiled and waved at everyone. Today was self tape day. We were all showing recent self tapes to get feedback from the class. Anything we wanted really. 

Last night I felt like getting off my computer and getting back into my body and doing some acting. I was inspired by Claudia and Brandon and the rest of the Navy outside in the foyer of the hotel so I decided to relive an old audition I had done for a navy officer in NCIS.

I imagined that this hotel was suddenly navy barracks and I was part of Claudia’s and Brandon’s team. I emailed the hotel the sides which they kindly printed for me and set up my lighting and tripod that I had brought with me in my suitcase from LA. My tripod was too short so i had to try and balance it on my chair. The chair is round, not flat so that unfortunately did not work. I saw the bookcases beside my bed. Do they move? Yes they do! I pulled them out and then managed to awkwardly set up my tripod on top of the book case. Ok. I decided I would just try something new and use the actual real door as the backdrop rather than a fake door.  

I had just finished setting up when I heard a large “POP” and everything turned dark! Eeek. My light had blown. Shit! I forgot about the wattage difference. I zoomed Brett and he patiently read for the other character while I went in and out doing about 5 different takes. 

After all that I actually decided to show the class an audition I had done for a comedy series the week before I left LA. The one from that night didn’t really work out. It was dark and the angle of the camera wasn’t the best so I changed my mind last minute. 

The class laughed and gave me positive feedback and helpful notes. I watched everyone else’s incredibly solid audition tapes and was blown away. So many incredible actors. All insanely beautiful too. 

I felt grateful to be in a class that challenged and supported me. Lead by an incredibly generous and amazing teacher. 

After the class I went outside into the foyer and out into the parking lot for some fresh air. 

I noticed that they had surrounded the hotel with large fences. Now it definitely feels more like a cage.

I went back inside and asked Claudia if they had put them up because of the Man who escaped and went into countdown on Victoria St. 

‘Yes’,  she said. She said they have had to up all the security. 

It rained more so I walked around in big loops in the foyer of the hotel. It was raining heavily outside and I wanted to get some more cardio in.

When you enter the foyer from outside. Past Claudia and Brandon and the rest of the Navy who check us in, there are stamps on the floor that have a picture of two humans with a heart between them and an arrow that says 2m. It’s a cute picture. The stamps are 2  meters (6ft)  apart from each other and lead you around the offices that are placed in the middle of the hotel foyer around to the restaurant. At the restaurant there is a small bar with a woman wearing a blue mask and blue gloves and blue apron making coffee. 

Just past the restaurant there are four stations set up with clear plastic shields attached. These are the stations we checked in on the first day. Behind the check in stations are large tables with hundreds and hundreds of brown paper bags inside. They are setting up to distribute all of the bags for lunch.  I pass the kitchen and then the elevators and then the nurses office and then I am back where I started.  They look at me strangely. Walking around in circles. I keep walkin in loops for a while and then decide to go back into my room.

I answered a couple of messages from friends, teasing, asking me if I was the one who escaped. Lol. 

Nope. Still here. 

The rain stopped suddenly ! So I rushed outside. Claudia and Brandon said “Hey again” laughing that i was so in and out today.  I forgot how crazy the weather is in Auckland. Four seasons in one Day. 

I went and sat out on my secret spot in front of my room on the ledge in the sun. As I was leaning my head against the wall, I noticed a man walk past the fence and actually smile at me. That was so nice. We mostly get weird looks and evil stares. Some curious. Some laughing at the absurdity. But he genuinely smiled. It was nice to be looked at like a human. 

Outside there was the Mother and Daughter combo that I see power walking and talking every day. There was also the family with the two boys, the woman with bright tights who was on my flight and then there was me. 

I haven’t seen Marvin for a while. He must have finished his time here. 

The rain started again so I went back inside.

There was a sign on the door saying we cant leave our rooms from 10pm tonight as a new plane is arriving. I wonder where its coming from. 

Everything is starting to feel a little more normal now. I’m a pro. Got this thing down ! 

I know exactly what to expect. I have a good enough routine set up and the days are going by pretty fast. 

Dance Party Song of the day : Superhero – Danny Byrd feat MacyGray. 

Half Way!!!!

I can’t believe it. I am halfway through managed isolation. In just 7 days I will be out into the real world mask free. Fear free. 

I woke up at 7:40am today. Definitely not in the early start society any more. Damn. I will try tomorrow. I stayed up until midnight watching The Morning Show with Reece Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston. Such brilliant acting. My god those last three episodes made me wild. In a good way. The way it’s supposed to. 

I opened the blinds and there was my glorious friend. The tree. There is already blue sky in the background with a few light grey clouds. They can still produce rain regardless of the blue sky peeping through. The ground is wet and the autumn leaves dance in the wind.

I have lots of reading to get through today. A dear friend’s feature script and my writers group have our first July session tomorrow so I have three stories to read before we give feedback. I will also be presenting my script which I am nervous/excited about. 

My kettle is still not working so I walked outside to the restaurant to try and find someone who could help me get hot water. I also decided to take my jar of yogurt with me that had been stubbornly trying to stay closed for three days. There was a nice lady there organising hundreds of brown paper breakfast bags which she would soon distribute. I felt bad interrupting but she saw me and came over. I asked her politely if I could have a to go cup of hot water and a knife to open up this jar. She told me they aren’t allowed to give us a knife? “Oh” I said. Then I thought to myself, is this so we don’t self harm? Then I shook that thought away telling myself off for instantly going so dark. 

She explained that it was because of germs and etc.  “Oh ok , yes, that makes sense” I said.  She offered to try and open it with her gloves for me. “It’s on tight” she said, struggling.  Then she called over the maintenance man who seemed happy and proud that we asked him for his help. “ Sure!”  he said, opening it in just one pop! We praised him and he blushed before waving goodbye. 

I went back inside and saw a paper bag waiting for me outside my door. Less food today. I decided on my week 2 menu that I would cross out all of the items I wouldn’t eat. Partly because I am entering society soon and I want to be able to fit my clothes again and also because we aren’t really moving around much and i’m not feeling very hungry. I wanted to let them know so it didn’t go to waste. 

Anyway today I had a small container of greek yogurt, musli and a poached apricot. It was delicious. 

I sat at my computer and began to read. Wow it’s already 9am! That means the restaurant is open.

9am: knock at the door. I put my mask on and open the door. Three nurses are walking up the hallway. “Morning!”. One of the nurses said sprightly. Across the hall another nurse was talking to a man my age with blonde hair. Still in his PJ’s just waking up.

He’s not in the early start society either. “Time to take your temperature” The nurse said beeping a small gun shaped thing at my head. 36.6 degrees (celcius). She showed me a list of words. Symptoms. Cough, fever, fatigue etc. “Are you experiencing any of these symptoms?“. “Nope”, I said. “Thank you” And I closed the door. 

I put my jacket on, grabbed my credit card and walked out to the restaurant. 

A woman who I recognised from my flight was standing there. She was all in black. Black tights, black puffy jacket and a cute black mask with a little red heart on it. We had spoken around the grounds before so it was nice to see her. We chatted from a distance. Real life human interaction. It was nice. Ileane was her name. Ileane had just started a new job from here in Isolation. She had traveled a lot recently for work. Her and her husband flew from London a while back to Canada and then they were on their way back to their home and life in Australia but now they can’t get back in. Because they are not Australian citizens. So they both lost their jobs in Australia and are setting up a new life here. Crazy. The different ways that people are effected.

Anyway she had found a new job which she was doing from isolation and that was helping the days go by fast. “I’m a bit nervous to get out“, she said. “I’m kind of scared to get out and interact again”, I nodded in agreement. I get it.

The couple of times we had small social distant meetups with friends I felt very socially awkward. I was anxious because it was hard to know what to do. We all had to stand back with masks on. We wanted to hug but couldn’t and in terms of serving up food and everything it was hard to know what to do because of people touching things. 

Also everyone has different levels of paranoia. I loved seeing my loves but I found it stressful. But here… in just one week we won’t have to worry about any of that. It’s going to be a dream.

We spoke a little bit more about life in Isolation. She mentioned that she was tired alot. Flat. I understood that too.

In isolation in LA we were still able to go outside and walk around the neighbourhood. And eventually we’re allowed to go into nature. But it was still a risk. There was still the fear of walking past humans and spreading the virus or catching it. 

Fear. Fear. Fear. 

Another man was there. He had just travelled to the US for a short holiday. “Why in the hell?”I thought. He talked about some of his friends who supported Trump and how it hurt him as someone being from the gay community. ‘Yeah’, I said. Listening and thinking about how uncomfortable that must feel. “It’s absolutely tragic”, I said.  He then brought up Kanye “Fucking” West running. I can’t even bear to hear those words. I close my eyes trying to block that out. 

No. Please. No.

I went outside for a walk and started to feel a little tiny wave of guilt. Guilt that I’m here and safe. Guilt that I will soon be free.

There was a family outside that I recognised from my flight. They were playing tennis on a traveling mini tennis court. They had set up a net and were playing doubles in the parking lot. What a great idea. The tennis ball arrived at my feet and on instinct I went to pick up the ball and throw it. I stopped myself and remembered that I shouldn’t touch it. I instead kicked it along the ground. They looked at me confused. I hope they didn’t think that was rude of me. 

Their game looked so fun. I wanted to join in and play. 

I kept walking around the parking lot.

There was a man wearing a brown t-shirt and shorts with his headphones on skipping, another man in blue jeans and a blue suit jacket walking around in circles. I was impressed with his clothing. He looked professional and ready for the day. Maybe he was working so he felt like he needed to dress as if he was going into the office. 

I kept walking.

Near the grass area outside my window there were three more families from my flight and bus ride.  They were all at a distance from each other working out using the concrete curb attached to the wall as steps, the rocks as weights and the kids were even playing knuckle bones with the pebbles from the garden! How magical! We have gone back in time. These kids loved it. The two boys that were in front of me at the Day 3 covid test were there. The older one was crying again, restless and struggling.  The younger one was super chill again,  not making a sound, happily exploring the leaves outside. 

I went back into my room for another amazing dance out with Kimberley. 

We both laughed and said we were sore from yesterday but still had a good intense cardio session. Afterwards we talked about the after effects of the shut down. The job cuts in NZ. The cuts in working hours. It reminded me that even though New Zealand is Covid free, well except for a few cases in Isolation, there is still lots of rebuilding to be done here. New Zealanders worked hard as a team, under the strong guidance of Jacinda Ardern, to self isolate and shut the virus down. They did it together as a community. They looked after each other. And it worked. They did it.

But they have still been deeply impacted and there is still much work to be done. 

After seeing a few New Zealand news articles and some ignorant jabs at my good friend Jacinda. Feeling protective I decided that I would email my first journal entry to our Prime Minister. 

Her email was very easy to find and surprisingly available. 

I emailed her with an introduction telling her that I was from Mt. Albert and that I wanted to email her my experience to show her my deep gratitude for her work.

2pm:  I  decided to lay in bed and do some reading. I am reading Michelle Obama’s Becoming. I guess maybe reading that has inspired me to write this. 

I listen to the pitter patter of the rain pouring down outside my window. I see the autumn leaves dancing on my friend, the tree.

I felt tired.

A bit squashed from the four walls tightly closing in on me.

I decided I would have a little nap. When would I ever get to do this again. Probably a lot actually since I am currently unemployed. LOL.

I began to drift….

Suddenly! A loud noise came over my speaker in the room! “Testing! Testing! All the guests that are departing today must stay in their room until called individually to exit. We are still processing all paperwork so please wait in your room. Also another plane of guests will be arriving at 6pm so all hotel guests must stay in their hotel rooms from 6pm-9pm.Thank you.“ 

I thought about all of the guests leaving and how relieved they must feel.

I fell asleep. 

I woke up at 3:40pm just in time to go to the restaurant to buy another coffee.  My big outing for the night. I put on my black mask which I had just hand washed in the sink, my slippers and kathmandu jacket. It is cold again today. I like it. I went to the restaurant and bought a long black and bottle of Kopiko Bay Sauvignon Blanc. Delish. Can’t wait to crack that open tonight. I went back into my room. I did intend to drink my coffee at my desk and start to read the scripts that I needed before tomorrow night’s – day for me – Zoom meeting. But I suddenly felt a bit stir crazy and dizzy so I decided to drink my coffee and walk outside. 

I facetimed Brett and we talked while I walked. He told me that the bars and restaurants in San Diego had also closed down. I asked him if they had shut down outdoor dining yet and he said no but he thinks that’s coming. The numbers are so high again and will only get higher. 

We discussed collectivism vs individualism. Socialism vs Capitalism and what this pandemic is revealing.  We talked about the current supposed leader in the U.S and his vice minimizing this pandemic to the public and how frightening that is. 

I went back inside and could smell a strong cleaning product scent in the hallway. They were deep cleaning the rooms before the next visitors arrived. 

I sat back at my computer and read some messages from my kiwi in LA friends saying Air NZ has stopped all flights coming from LA until the end of July! So the managed isolation facilities can catch up. A lot of them have to now wait until August to come back. 

My mum called me on facetime to ask me how I was doing. “Im doing good Mum”, I said. 

I am. Yes I miss everyone and I’m feeling a bit stir crazy but on the whole this truly is a wonderful and insightful experience. I’m so grateful that I even have the option to be here.

I did some more hand washing and then my dishes in the bathroom sink. I poured myself a cold glass of Kopiko Bay NZ sav blanc. Delicious.  I lay on the bed and watched some New Zealand television. 

Dance party song of the day:  Imagine. John Lennon.

I had a deliciously deep sleep last night. It felt so good. I woke up at 7am which means i didn’t make it into my secret early start society group today but thats ok. 

I took out my earpods, or Ipods, or whatever they are called and I heard the sound of the New Zealand cars driving along the wet New Zealand concrete. Rain again. Yes! I opened the blinds and saw that my friend, the tree, was still there. He hadn’t moved. Less Autumn leaves today. The sun was just up. There were thick grey clouds and big drops of rain poured onto the muddy green grass outside. 

The couple I see every morning jog past wearing matching black athletic gear and black masks on. I wave but they don’t see me. 

I go to make my coffee. But the kettle seems to be broken. It is still 2 hours until I can order a real one from the restaurant. Nooooo.

I decided to take a risk. I put on my jumper (sweater) and my mask and exited the room. 

From the hallway I could hear lots of excited voices.

I went out into the foyer and saw a long line of people. A fresh plane of guests all standing 6ft away from each other, checking in as I had 6 days ago now. 

Now I am Marvin. Comfortable and know the system and they are now the newbies. The guests stand, jet lagged, eyes wide open trying to understand how it all works. 

There is a family with three children filling out menus and waiting to have their temperature checked. 

I felt bad interrupting one of the staff for my first world problem.  So instead I quietly asked if I could just have a take away cup of hot water since my kettle was broken. The man was super nice and he went and got it for me.

I walked back to my room and made my instant coffee then began to do some work. 

730am. I could hear a trail of knocks and a voice saying “room service”, over and over coming up the hallway. I knew mine was next. Then, sure enough  there was a loud knock on my door. “Room service”.  I went outside and found a brown paper bag. 

Inside was a small container with hot oatmeal, yogurt, fruit, a pastry and a small muffin. 

I put it to the side for later. I wasn’t feeling hungry yet. 

830am I remembered that I had to hand my laundry in if I wanted it cleaned.  I went out into the hallway and two ladies pushing a laundry cart said “Just in time”. So lovely.  So nice and observant. I gave them my bag and voucher and said thank you and went back into my room. 

9am. Knock Knock. Two nurses were waiting outside my room taking my temperature. One of them I had recognised from the day before. Te Atatu. We had chatted for a fair bit from a distance in the hallway. 

10am. “Testing Testing” over the speaker. “The flight that arrived from Shanghai on July 2nd will be having your Covid tests today. Please stay inside until you are called to come down”

Something like that. 

THEN! A special treat!  My dear friend Kimberley who is a dance fitness instruction facetimed me for a private cardio dance session! We had pre planned it the day before. I have been restless and it is a bit of a challenge to do any cardio here. I answer the phone and there she is, my beautiful friend who I haven’t seen in a year and half. With her long flowy brown hair that always seems to sit perfectly in place and her gorgeous caring smile. Ready to go with even disco lights turned on in the background! 

I was actually supposed to fly back early May for Kimberley and Tony’s wedding. All of us were going on a special trip to Rarotonga for a whole week of wedding celebrations. Then everything changed. 

But now I am here with my friend who i’ve known for 20 or so years knows exactly what I need. 

TO DANCE IT OUT.

She has even made a personalized Amy playlist for me! How did I get so many incredible people in my life. I am so so lucky. So fun! And quite the workout. We danced, and cheered and sweated and puffed. Sometimes I struggled to get through. My legs were burning. I really needed that! 

I remembered all of the times we left Avondale College at lunchtime to train for Aerobics. And all of the nights we rehearsed dance routines in a studio until midnight. I remembered all of the competitions, all of the performances, all of the jobs, all of the games.  

We virtually high fived and then had an endorphin filled , long needed catch up. I was buzzing. We even made business plans and also friendship plans for the next week. We were so pumped we decided we would do this again tomorrow! Fuck yeah! 

We spoke for a while before saying our goodbyes then I went outside for some fresh air. 

I put my earpods back in and listened to the spotify playlist Kimberley made me. She knows me so well. 

It’s quite funny when you walk past the fellow inmates. It’s hard to tell if they are smiling at you or not. Instead they stare. But I’m sure under their masks they are smiling and me.  I am smiling at them. 

On my journey, around my circles, I found a secret pathway along the side of the building. I looked around and decided to follow it to see where it went. “I really hope this isn’t my accidental escape “  I thought. It led to a new outdoor area around the other side of the hotel. I mean it’s been there the entire time but I was just discovering it.  I looked around to see if anyone was watching. I kept walking and found a lovely area with more giant winter trees, pathways, a fountain and a large outdoor yard game, This is so nice. Something new to look at. 

I started doing par de boures , outside double pirouettes and then pk’s along the path, as if I was still in Jazz class. I miss the energy of dancing with people in real life in a hot sweaty dance studio. Nothing beats it. Soon Amy, very soon.

I continued to dance in the rain then looked and saw a few of the security guards inside smiling at me. I didn’t care what they thought. I’m sure they were entertained and they get it. 

The rain started to pour down a little more heavily so I went back inside into my room. 

1230pm Knock knock “room service”. I went outside my door and picked up my paper bag. Inside was a delicious treat. A veggie burger and fries ! I had completely forgotten what I had  filled out on the menu on the first day so it’s always a pleasant surprise. I can’t actually believe how well they are taking care of us.  

I scrolled through social media a little. Replied to friends and read some terrifying news articles. 

I remind myself that I am here in New Zealand. I don’t entirely feel it yet. I feel more like an observer. Like I am looking through my window from a boat but have not yet arrived. Watching life from afar but not quite in it yet. 

But soon I will be free and with my family.

So soon. Only a week and one day! 

It is going by very fast. I wasn’t going to have a glass of wine tonight. But then I decided to have one anyway. Lol. I like going to the restaurant to buy something just for an excuse to get out of my room for a split second. It’s my big event for the day. 

Just one glass then. Go on Amy. Why not. 

Dance party song of the day! : All of Kimberley’s playlist but i think i’m going to go with…. Roses – Umanbek Remix – Saint Jhn. 

I woke up feeling  a bit weird today. I couldn’t sleep last night. I fell asleep at 10.30pm then woke up again at 12.30am then again at 3.30am then finally at 6.30am.

I had this woozy feeling like I was on a boat. Maybe it is still the Jet lag a little bit, or the small room with one window that won’t open. I decided to dive into the feeling and imagined myself in a cabin on a boat. I closed my eyes and pictured giant waves crashing up beside the window outside. For a second I pretended I was on a giant war ship post WW2 , like Nana. Travelling all the way to the other side of the world. With a child by boat. In a cabin with 8 other women and children. How did she do that?  How did she leave home? Her sister. Her mother. Her family and move to the other side of the world. I mean I guess I did that too.

Huh.

But it was easier for me to return and keep in contact.  She didn’t want to go.  She told me. Well, she told everyone when she escaped off the ship. And the newspapers all around the world printed it.

I think about the woman who just escaped managed isolation and wonder what her story is. Where she travelled from. The woman in her 40s downtown. I wonder if this is similar to what my nana went through. I mean media wise.  My nana caused quite the uproar. It was a pretty big deal.’The Bride Who Wouldn’t leave New Zealand’ all over the front of the Auckland Star. The American government did not like the bad press. But it was different in the sense that she wasn’t putting anyone else in danger when she jumped ship. She was just swimming against the tide. Which wasn’t ever really done during that time. A woman putting herself first. I think about the moment I discovered those articles at my Nana’s house in Avondale. How mesmerized I was when she told me her story. 

And then I made a show about it. I wonder if one day I will have a granddaughter who will find these memoirs and make it into art.

I think about my grandparents and think about them going through a war and a depression. And then I think about my privileged life and how, until now, a lot of my generation haven’t experienced anything like this and what this will mean for us. What will we do with this new insight? This new found appreciation for life.

I pulled myself out of bed and walked to my desk. When I say walk I mean step. One step. Then a flop. I flop onto the chair in front of the window.  It’s about a foot away from the bed. I still feel a little like i’m in the open sea so I turn on the kettle hoping a coffee will straighten me out.  I opened the blinds and discovered that in fact there were not waves crashing outside but green grass. Green green grass. The same green, green, grass that hollywood actor, Jackie Cooper, told my nana he was in love with. Above the green green grass was the  same big, big  tree that i’ve been watching for 5 days. The tree has less leaves today. The sun was slowly coming up underneath big thick clouds. It looks windy today. But still refreshing. I feel grateful to witness a season that is different to ‘extremely fucking hot’.

I made my little instant coffee to get me through untill 9am when the restaurant opens. I  turned on my lap top. 

I read and answered a few of the comments from my first memoir entry on facebook. It was quite moving. My words, the words that I usually erase, my voice, the voice I usually feel nervous to share, moved people. Connected with something inside them and how they are feeling in this current moment. I feel  lucky to know so many wonderful people from two sides of the world. I have the best, most supportive friends and family. That’s one thing that isolation has showed me. Here and in LA. Reminded me that family is the most important thing.

A lot of the things that consumed me don’t so much anymore. Instead I  just want to connect with the people that  I care about and spend quality time with them.  I still have my goals and dreams and my drive and  ambition but in this moment, in this crazy time, I just want to be with my loves and laugh and cry and talk and listen and hug. 

I’ve missed everyone so much.  I’m like my Nana I think.

God I miss her. She always needed people around her.  She loved music and dancing and singing and talking and debating and life. She loved her family and she loved words and telling stories. She was a social butterfly.  I’m thinking about her alot in here. I’m also so close to Mt Eden where Nana lived for so many years with my Mum and her six other children. 

I have a deadline today for my writer’s group so I click on my pages and start to write. My brain is a bit foggy today. I only had one – or maybe  two glasses of wine last night. I’m sure a nice strong NZ coffee will help. 

I step into the world of a supernatural dramady and re-write a couple of scenes I had been questioning. Then I scroll the entire script making final edits before sending it to my love to read. I nervously await his opinion. 

We facetime and talk and he shows me my plants that he’s watering every day then I ask him his thoughts.  “It’s reading well”  he says “I’m proud of you” he says genuinely, not patronizing but remembering how much I wrestle with my own doubts to even put 5 pages down.  I know it is far from perfect so I pester him again. “No but what do you think?” hoping for some constructive criticism. He says it’s in a good place  and gave me more specific notes.  I miss him. I wish he was here. Maybe soon. Probably not soon unfortunately. 

It’s July 4th today in the US. Independence Day for the land of the free. 

America’s holiday.

Kanye West announced he would run for President. 

What The Actual Fuck. 

Universe, when I said I would take a peanut butter sandwich over Trump as President I didn’t mean THIS. 

What the hell is going on? I feel like I’m in some alternate universe. What the hell is up with all of these Men suddenly deciding that they are qualified for something that they are not.  I mean I guess it has always been that way. 

I mean he’s not serious is he?

Shit. I just got devastating deja vu. Please Noooooooo. 

I read posts from the Mayor of LA and Governor Newsom encouraging everyone to cancel all get togethers. Numbers have soared again so this year we need to do what’s right and stay home. Beaches closed. Bars closed. For the better. I see most of my friends doing  little private bbq’s at home with their immediate bubbles trying to have a relaxed holiday as best they can.  Very different this year. Everyone is questioning what it means. Independence day. Land of the Free. 

Is this what freedom looks like?

I see a picture on a friend’s instagram story of a young black woman looking upward with tears in her eyes. A mask over her face that is the shape of two hands gripping tight. The USA flag in the background.  #Independenceday

Then I scroll across to another American friend’s Instagram story..  “I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually’ James Baldwin. 

It’s strange being in here.  In New Zealand but not out there. I have been thinking alot about the last few months in LA. Thinking about being on my balcony with Brett which we re-invented as our new favorite date night spot.  Looking out to Hollywood. To the palm trees. To pink sunsets. To Griffith Observatory and to all the helicopters. 

At the very beginning of the lockdown, when everyone was inside, the birds in the morning were suddenly so loud. I’d never ever heard birds out there before. The traffic had stopped.  And the air in LA  felt so clean. Like here in NZ. One day I could even see all the way out to the ocean. It was wonderful. But by the time I left the US, the traffic was back and the birds were gone. Everything was re-opening, too early they soon discovered. Surprise surprise. We all saw that one coming. 

At 8.30am I received a knock at the door. Breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon,sausages, hash browns, toast, yogurt, fruit and danish ! wooooahhhh. So much food ! 

I kept working. At 9am I received a phone call from house keeping asking if I needed anything. I think I’m good today thanks ! 

930am. I received a knock at the door – the nurse taking my temperature. 36.7 celsius. 

Soon there will be an announcement on the speaker. 

And sure enough  “testing, testing” for those people who arrived on the 24th of June your 2nd covid test will be today. Please stay in your rooms until 11am and we will call you to come down stairs to the foyer”

Oh I should mention that my first test came back negative! Which means it doesn’t look like I caught it on the plane! 

I ordered my long black and then went for a walk outside. It was nice and cold and refreshing. 

In the evening my family had a big  zoom session with my little sis and her girlfriend CL who are in Boston, my nieces Sophie and Ella and Mum and Sarah also jumped on. It was funny because  my niece kept asking me things as if I was still in LA. “What time is it there Auntie”?  “ I’m here in NZ remember!”oh yeah’ she said. “It doesn’t feel like it Auntie !” 

Sophie talked about drinking a glass of champagne on her 16th BIRTHDAY! Whaaaaat ! When did that happen? Sophie also gave us the low down on the local news headline. A Whangateau scandal! A stingray was found dead on the beach! A tourist killed it, she said angrily. That is very very very sad but I couldn’t help but chuckle with love of course. 

If only CNN played a little of The Whangateau news. 

The day went by quickly. I was low on energy today. Unmotivated and flat. 

I decided to go for one more walk outside, before the sun goes down.  Again, it was nice and cold and refreshing. I haven’t felt winter in so long. It even rained! Can you believe it ! Rain in LA is a delicacy! I took my mask off and opened my mouth. I put my face up to the sky to feel the big drops on my skin. Real NZ rain. Giant big drops. Bliss. 

I sat on a little side gutter (they don’t have chairs for us outside because they don’t want to encourage congregation) in the rain and played my harmonica that Mum bought me.  I’m getting better at it, I thought. It’s quite relaxing and fun to play.

Lamenting in the rain. So funny. 

I walked past a man with his mask off smoking. I almost felt like asking for one but didn’t. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in forever. I used to occasionally smoke while working a long shift behind the bar. Just for an excuse to leave the noise and have some alone time outside. It was easier to say I’m just having a smoke and leave, then –  I just need a second to sit and get the fuck away from this madness.  I was tempted to ask because i’m bored and maybe we could talk from a distance. I was craving human interaction. I then thought, well, we can’t really pass anything to each other incase of germs. Especially not something I would put in my mouth. And it’s not really a good time to put poison in my lungs really is it?  So…. I thought better of it and kept walking. I walked past the rooms next to mine on the ground floor and saw my fellow isolated humans in their individual pods through their windows. Lying in bed looking at their phone, or  laptop, doing yoga, watching TV, tidying their room, doing burpees or reading. I thought about who they all were and where they all came from. So many different lives affected by this Pandemic. Uprooted. Families with children out of school. Babies, toddlers. 

I must look like a weirdo walking past with my mask on and looking through the windows. I love people watching and I was very subtle. The rain came down a little harder so I went back inside.

Today was strange. I felt off balance. Tomorrow will be better. 

Dance party song of the day: Hero by Mariah Carey. Oh yeahhhh.