I woke up feeling a bit weird today. I couldn’t sleep last night. I fell asleep at 10.30pm then woke up again at 12.30am then again at 3.30am then finally at 6.30am.
I had this woozy feeling like I was on a boat. Maybe it is still the Jet lag a little bit, or the small room with one window that won’t open. I decided to dive into the feeling and imagined myself in a cabin on a boat. I closed my eyes and pictured giant waves crashing up beside the window outside. For a second I pretended I was on a giant war ship post WW2 , like Nana. Travelling all the way to the other side of the world. With a child by boat. In a cabin with 8 other women and children. How did she do that? How did she leave home? Her sister. Her mother. Her family and move to the other side of the world. I mean I guess I did that too.
Huh.
But it was easier for me to return and keep in contact. She didn’t want to go. She told me. Well, she told everyone when she escaped off the ship. And the newspapers all around the world printed it.
I think about the woman who just escaped managed isolation and wonder what her story is. Where she travelled from. The woman in her 40s downtown. I wonder if this is similar to what my nana went through. I mean media wise. My nana caused quite the uproar. It was a pretty big deal.’The Bride Who Wouldn’t leave New Zealand’ all over the front of the Auckland Star. The American government did not like the bad press. But it was different in the sense that she wasn’t putting anyone else in danger when she jumped ship. She was just swimming against the tide. Which wasn’t ever really done during that time. A woman putting herself first. I think about the moment I discovered those articles at my Nana’s house in Avondale. How mesmerized I was when she told me her story.
And then I made a show about it. I wonder if one day I will have a granddaughter who will find these memoirs and make it into art.
I think about my grandparents and think about them going through a war and a depression. And then I think about my privileged life and how, until now, a lot of my generation haven’t experienced anything like this and what this will mean for us. What will we do with this new insight? This new found appreciation for life.
I pulled myself out of bed and walked to my desk. When I say walk I mean step. One step. Then a flop. I flop onto the chair in front of the window. It’s about a foot away from the bed. I still feel a little like i’m in the open sea so I turn on the kettle hoping a coffee will straighten me out. I opened the blinds and discovered that in fact there were not waves crashing outside but green grass. Green green grass. The same green, green, grass that hollywood actor, Jackie Cooper, told my nana he was in love with. Above the green green grass was the same big, big tree that i’ve been watching for 5 days. The tree has less leaves today. The sun was slowly coming up underneath big thick clouds. It looks windy today. But still refreshing. I feel grateful to witness a season that is different to ‘extremely fucking hot’.
I made my little instant coffee to get me through untill 9am when the restaurant opens. I turned on my lap top.
I read and answered a few of the comments from my first memoir entry on facebook. It was quite moving. My words, the words that I usually erase, my voice, the voice I usually feel nervous to share, moved people. Connected with something inside them and how they are feeling in this current moment. I feel lucky to know so many wonderful people from two sides of the world. I have the best, most supportive friends and family. That’s one thing that isolation has showed me. Here and in LA. Reminded me that family is the most important thing.
A lot of the things that consumed me don’t so much anymore. Instead I just want to connect with the people that I care about and spend quality time with them. I still have my goals and dreams and my drive and ambition but in this moment, in this crazy time, I just want to be with my loves and laugh and cry and talk and listen and hug.
I’ve missed everyone so much. I’m like my Nana I think.
God I miss her. She always needed people around her. She loved music and dancing and singing and talking and debating and life. She loved her family and she loved words and telling stories. She was a social butterfly. I’m thinking about her alot in here. I’m also so close to Mt Eden where Nana lived for so many years with my Mum and her six other children.
I have a deadline today for my writer’s group so I click on my pages and start to write. My brain is a bit foggy today. I only had one – or maybe two glasses of wine last night. I’m sure a nice strong NZ coffee will help.
I step into the world of a supernatural dramady and re-write a couple of scenes I had been questioning. Then I scroll the entire script making final edits before sending it to my love to read. I nervously await his opinion.
We facetime and talk and he shows me my plants that he’s watering every day then I ask him his thoughts. “It’s reading well” he says “I’m proud of you” he says genuinely, not patronizing but remembering how much I wrestle with my own doubts to even put 5 pages down. I know it is far from perfect so I pester him again. “No but what do you think?” hoping for some constructive criticism. He says it’s in a good place and gave me more specific notes. I miss him. I wish he was here. Maybe soon. Probably not soon unfortunately.
It’s July 4th today in the US. Independence Day for the land of the free.
America’s holiday.
Kanye West announced he would run for President.
What The Actual Fuck.
Universe, when I said I would take a peanut butter sandwich over Trump as President I didn’t mean THIS.
What the hell is going on? I feel like I’m in some alternate universe. What the hell is up with all of these Men suddenly deciding that they are qualified for something that they are not. I mean I guess it has always been that way.
I mean he’s not serious is he?
Shit. I just got devastating deja vu. Please Noooooooo.
I read posts from the Mayor of LA and Governor Newsom encouraging everyone to cancel all get togethers. Numbers have soared again so this year we need to do what’s right and stay home. Beaches closed. Bars closed. For the better. I see most of my friends doing little private bbq’s at home with their immediate bubbles trying to have a relaxed holiday as best they can. Very different this year. Everyone is questioning what it means. Independence day. Land of the Free.
Is this what freedom looks like?
I see a picture on a friend’s instagram story of a young black woman looking upward with tears in her eyes. A mask over her face that is the shape of two hands gripping tight. The USA flag in the background. #Independenceday
Then I scroll across to another American friend’s Instagram story.. “I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually’ James Baldwin.
It’s strange being in here. In New Zealand but not out there. I have been thinking alot about the last few months in LA. Thinking about being on my balcony with Brett which we re-invented as our new favorite date night spot. Looking out to Hollywood. To the palm trees. To pink sunsets. To Griffith Observatory and to all the helicopters.
At the very beginning of the lockdown, when everyone was inside, the birds in the morning were suddenly so loud. I’d never ever heard birds out there before. The traffic had stopped. And the air in LA felt so clean. Like here in NZ. One day I could even see all the way out to the ocean. It was wonderful. But by the time I left the US, the traffic was back and the birds were gone. Everything was re-opening, too early they soon discovered. Surprise surprise. We all saw that one coming.
At 8.30am I received a knock at the door. Breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon,sausages, hash browns, toast, yogurt, fruit and danish ! wooooahhhh. So much food !
I kept working. At 9am I received a phone call from house keeping asking if I needed anything. I think I’m good today thanks !
930am. I received a knock at the door – the nurse taking my temperature. 36.7 celsius.
Soon there will be an announcement on the speaker.
And sure enough “testing, testing” for those people who arrived on the 24th of June your 2nd covid test will be today. Please stay in your rooms until 11am and we will call you to come down stairs to the foyer”
Oh I should mention that my first test came back negative! Which means it doesn’t look like I caught it on the plane!
I ordered my long black and then went for a walk outside. It was nice and cold and refreshing.
In the evening my family had a big zoom session with my little sis and her girlfriend CL who are in Boston, my nieces Sophie and Ella and Mum and Sarah also jumped on. It was funny because my niece kept asking me things as if I was still in LA. “What time is it there Auntie”? “ I’m here in NZ remember!”oh yeah’ she said. “It doesn’t feel like it Auntie !”
Sophie talked about drinking a glass of champagne on her 16th BIRTHDAY! Whaaaaat ! When did that happen? Sophie also gave us the low down on the local news headline. A Whangateau scandal! A stingray was found dead on the beach! A tourist killed it, she said angrily. That is very very very sad but I couldn’t help but chuckle with love of course.
If only CNN played a little of The Whangateau news.
The day went by quickly. I was low on energy today. Unmotivated and flat.
I decided to go for one more walk outside, before the sun goes down. Again, it was nice and cold and refreshing. I haven’t felt winter in so long. It even rained! Can you believe it ! Rain in LA is a delicacy! I took my mask off and opened my mouth. I put my face up to the sky to feel the big drops on my skin. Real NZ rain. Giant big drops. Bliss.
I sat on a little side gutter (they don’t have chairs for us outside because they don’t want to encourage congregation) in the rain and played my harmonica that Mum bought me. I’m getting better at it, I thought. It’s quite relaxing and fun to play.
Lamenting in the rain. So funny.
I walked past a man with his mask off smoking. I almost felt like asking for one but didn’t. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in forever. I used to occasionally smoke while working a long shift behind the bar. Just for an excuse to leave the noise and have some alone time outside. It was easier to say I’m just having a smoke and leave, then – I just need a second to sit and get the fuck away from this madness. I was tempted to ask because i’m bored and maybe we could talk from a distance. I was craving human interaction. I then thought, well, we can’t really pass anything to each other incase of germs. Especially not something I would put in my mouth. And it’s not really a good time to put poison in my lungs really is it? So…. I thought better of it and kept walking. I walked past the rooms next to mine on the ground floor and saw my fellow isolated humans in their individual pods through their windows. Lying in bed looking at their phone, or laptop, doing yoga, watching TV, tidying their room, doing burpees or reading. I thought about who they all were and where they all came from. So many different lives affected by this Pandemic. Uprooted. Families with children out of school. Babies, toddlers.
I must look like a weirdo walking past with my mask on and looking through the windows. I love people watching and I was very subtle. The rain came down a little harder so I went back inside.
Today was strange. I felt off balance. Tomorrow will be better.
Dance party song of the day: Hero by Mariah Carey. Oh yeahhhh.
